What's Not to Laugh?

Almost everything about aging–except grave illness and death–can be funny as well as disturbing. I try to find the funny and help us all get through it!

Archive for the category “Uncategorized”

Brisket

Here’s another of my essays written as part of a creative project with my friend Brenda. The word to work with here was “brisket.”

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If I can’t cook a decent brisket, am I still Jewish? Or, I should say, am I still a Jewish woman? That’s not to say a non-Jew can’t or doesn’t cook brisket, and it’s not to say that a man, of any persuasion, can’t or doesn’t cook brisket. It’s just that I’m sure I am not keeping up with Jewish tradition.

I have cooked many briskets (okay, several…), and I believe they were all passable. But so many of my friends and past generations of Jewish women (mainly my mother) presented briskets that were tender and tasty. They cooked them year after year with the same consistency and without having to more than glance at a recipe, if that.

Since I married my non-Jewish husband, we have together cooked a few briskets. I rely on him because he’s our resident chef. But even with his culinary skills, we needed to ponder which way to cut the meat when it was done. Against the grain? With the grain? And which way is the grain going? This happened every time.

Over the years, I absolved myself by successfully making other traditional Jewish dishes. My favorite are muffin-size potato kugels, stemming from recollection of my paternal grandmother making them every Passover. I didn’t’ have her recipe. She didn’t have her recipe. She cooked from memory—from home in Russia and her early days in Chicago as a housewife. But when I came across a recipe for potato kugel muffins in a Jewish cookbook, I knew I had to make them.

With no grain to cut with or against, these muffins are hard to screw up, but they take some intensive labor. Not wanting to schlep out the food processor, I grate the potatoes by hand, trying hard not to get bits of fingertip or knuckle in the mix. (I’m sorry if you lost your appetite at this point. Forget I said that.) The grated potatoes get mixed with eggs, matzoh meal, and a few other ingredients and then baked in greased muffin tins. The only hazard is getting them out of the tins without leaving half the mixture in the pan. It seems that no amount of greasing prevents some of that.

They’re delicious, they get oohs and aahs from your guests, and best of all, they go great with a nice brisket. Just don’t ask me to cook it.

In the meantime…some words about kvetching

I’m experiencing a bit of writer’s block—or blogger’s block. I can’t think of anything to write about that’s not so controversial that I’ll get death threats. In a way, that’s a good thing: nothing personal to whine about. And when I do notice little gripes and humorous observations, I realize that I’ve already written about them. But this void shouldn’t last long. The world is getting more and more absurd, and I’m sure someday soon I won’t be able to hold back.

In the meantime:
I’ll share some of the pieces I’ve written in the last couple of years as part of a delightful project suggested by my creative friend Brenda Segal. Together, we’ve written about a number of topics, taking turn suggesting the topics and sometimes picking letters of the alphabet from which to choose a word to expound on. Brenda puts our essays into a program that creates a book, then adds illustrative photos (most of which she’s taken) and publishes the book (just for our own coffee tables). Here’s one of my essays called “Kvetch.”

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I don’t kvetch. I observe. At least that’s what I tell myself. Take the weather, for example. I can say, in a perfectly neutral tone, “It’s cold out,” and it’ll be interpreted as “Why is it so damn cold out?” See the difference?

Is this a kvetch about to happen or just me gritting my teeth?

Okay, I do kvetch at times. But these are times that are notably kvetchable. Who wouldn’t say, “Who the hell picked this restaurant?” after being faced with a construction barricade and sign saying “No thru traffic” just as you’re about to turn the corner to your destination?

Who wouldn’t be snarky after then going a block out of your way to turn around, only to find out your car can in fact be that “thru” traffic because there is a lane going your way only you didn’t see it the first time?

And who wouldn’t be swearing under your breath after you turned down that street and found that construction vehicles blocked your access to your destination? When you finally made it into the restaurant after driving over a pile of gravel and around the back side of the strip mall where the restaurant is, who could blame you for kvetching? Even if it was tinged with humor?

In English, kvetching is whining or complaining. All people do it, and I contend even some animals do it…or is it just my cat?. But for Jews, in my experience, it can be a lifestyle. Way back when we were being persecuted (when are we not?), maybe it was a way to seemingly have some control over a terrible situation. Kvetching about one’s circumstances is better than weeping, isn’t it?

I’m back…

Penelope_softedgesPenelope here. You may have noticed that my mom (you know her as Bonnie) has been a slacker when it comes to posting on this blog. I like to post (mostly to complain), but as remarkable and talented as I am, I’m unable to post without help.

So I cajoled and whined and got her to agree to cooperate today. I hate that she has to help me because I didn’t want her to know what I’m about to admit: I am becoming more affectionate. And liking it. Loving it!

As you may recall (but probably not), I’m part Abyssinian. Abyssinians have some common traits: Long legs that can jump pretty high, pointy ears, a narrow (on the bottom) face, and a masterful aloofness. Yes, yes, I know all cats are supposed to be aloof, but Abs can be really icy. When they want to be. And that’s the secret.

When I came into this household, I did the requisite rubbing up against their legs, mainly to gain their acceptance so they’d feed me and scoop my litter box. After a while, I jumped onto the bed with them but refused to spend the night. I also sidled up to each of them backward, showing my lovely behind rather than face them. They learned to live with this

But lately, I find myself craving a good pet session. I define good as including belly rubs and massages behind my ears and under my chin. I also find myself following mom around the house much of the day. (She’s home so much now that she’s retired.) And when she takes a nap, I hop up on the bed next to her, making sure my body is pressed up against hers. When I’ve had enough of her petting, or she decides to start wasting time on her iPad (I hate that thing; it takes away valuable time from her main purpose: meeting my every need!), I curl up and go to sleep, still making sure part of me is touching her. Sometimes I throw a paw over her leg just to make sure she stays there to keep me company (see photo, below). I can lie like that for hours. And so can she, if she’s sleepy enough or there’s a good true crime show on TV. (For goodness sake, hasn’t she seen enough of murder and mayhem? Those blood-curdling screams wake me up from a pleasant snooze.)

img_0359The next thing is even harder to admit: I have been occasionally sitting on mom’s lap, once for 20 whole minutes. She seems thrilled and proud when I do that, as if I’ve just been awarded a red ribbon at a cat show. I don’t do it too often, but if  it’ll get me more petting and better treats, I’ll bump it up to once a week.

Lest you think I’m not living up to my Abyssinian reputation, I still will not allow either of them to pick me up. When it’s time for a visit to the vet, I won’t go into the carrier on my own, so dad usually scoops me up, only after an exhausting (for both of us) chase through the house.

I also will remain aloof (in this case invisible) whenever guests, workmen, cleaning women, or anyone else is in the house. Canoodling with mom and dad is now on my list of appropriate behaviors, but greeting strangers is definitely not. At least not now. Watch this space.

 

Cake mix blues

I don’t bake anymore. My number one reason is that I don’t want the sweet stuff in the house because I’ll eat it all myself, or what’s left of it after guests leave.

It’s not that I was a great baker. I made good brownies from scratch, if only they wouldn’t fall apart while cutting them or stick to the pan. But they were tasty. I made cupcakes, bundt cakes, cookies. Evidently, I made a lot of box mix cakes. This is what my younger daughter remembers fondly.

She was visiting from across the country last week, and her one request was for a yellow box cake with canned chocolate frosting. “It’s my favorite,” she told me. I wanted to bring it up a notch, so I made a suggestion: “I used to make the pudding cakes (adding a box of instant pudding to the mix).” “No. Just a yellow cake mix and canned chocolate frosting,” she replied.

It was the least I could do for my loving daughter, whom I haven’t seen since she moved last fall. I hadn’t baked in years or used a mix to make any sweets, but, how hard can it be? It wasn’t hard at all, but it wasn’t one-two-three-bake either.

First (after buying the mix and frosting), I had to find my 13 X 9 metal pan. Do we still have one? If so, where did we last store it? It took looking through three logical cabinets and the drawer at the bottom of the stove before I found it up in a high cabinet that required a stepladder to reach…that is, without having a bunch of pans and glass dishes tumbling out on my head.

Next, I looked for the electric hand mixer and found it quickly. But where were the beaters that should be attached? Searching everywhere at least twice ended with finding them behind the pot lids, where they were all the while (probably laughing about my poor eyesight).

I got out all the ingredients and then set out to oil the pan. The bottle of oil was pretty full, and a bit (or a lot)of oil spilled into the pan. I had to mop it up with a large number of paper towels.

After that, things went well…until I haphazardly slammed the oven door closed and the cake developed a round depression in its middle. With some extra frosting loaded in that depressed middle, my box mix cake was ready for prime time. Daughter declared that it was perfect and tasted just as she remembered.

Both daughters welcome their childhood cake.

Both daughters welcome their childhood cake.

After everyone who wanted cake was served, what remained in the pan was handed back to me. It lasted less than 24 hours. Cake for breakfast anyone? This is why don’t bake anymore.

Short forms

I was reading a women’s magazine while sitting under the hair dryer waiting for my color to set. It may have been Women’s Health, but I’m not sure. I’m only sure that its demographic is women much, much younger than I am. (But are there any print magazines out there for us?)

In the ten minutes I took to read only one-third of the issue, I counted five weird shortened words. I’ve gotten used to “meds” for medicines and “scrips” for prescriptions, and I understand that it’s easier to say and write a word that has one syllable than one that has three. This is especially important when you’re trying to fit everything into a tweet.

But the more pages I turned in this magazine, the more short forms of words I saw that I’d never before encountered. In some cases, it took me a few seconds to figure out their meaning. Here are the ones I jotted down before I decided to give up and read something else:

Convo….conversation (The “o” at the end tripped me up here. Without context, I never would have figured it out.)

Rando….random (Really, is this any shorter? Would it be so much trouble to include the damn last letter?)

Sitch…situation (Don’t get me started on the “ch” here! Sure, they shortened the word from four syllables to one, but are we really saving ink here?)

Obvi…obvious (What? This is just silly.)

Vag….vagina (I’ve heard other short forms, or maybe more polite and printable forms, but this is a new one for me.)

Days later, I saw the front of a Target flyer and was drawn to this phrase in bold type: for your grill sesh. Yes, it was Target. Yes, it said “sesh,” which I assume was short (and not so sweet) for “session.”

I majored in English in college and spent 40 years editing and writing at work, so it’s no wonder I get annoyed by this desecration of the language. But I’m not an old fuddy-duddy either. At work, I evolved from technical writing and editing to creating marketing copy. The stricter grammar rules needed for a report to the Department of Energy, for example, softened when I started writing catalog and web copy. It was okay to start a sentence with “and” or “but” and pop in a few sentence fragments. For effect.

But I scratch my head over these short forms of everyday words, especially when they’re in print and an article is not restricted to 140 characters…including spaces. It looks like pure laziness, but I think the writers/editors are trying hard to sound hip. And, of course, attract young readership. Unlike our forgotten demographic who, presumably, doesn’t spend as much on the nail polish and mascara that their advertisers are selling.

Well, maybe I am an old fuddy-duddy after all.

Who moved my potty?

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Something new to kvetch about

Penelope again, checking in. I haven’t had too much to whine about lately…although that never stops me. But recently, my humans did a switcheroo on me. They relocated my potty (known as the litter box to you).

Ever since I joined their household (July 2014), the litter box was in the first floor powder room. It’s an intimate, dark space, perfect for privacy while doing one’s business. The only drawback was that guests also used that space to do their business. But that wasn’t a concern of mine because the mere sight of a guest…or even the ding-dong of the doorbell…has me running into my favorite far-away spot.

I like my mom and dad, but I  refuse to mingle with anyone else. (It looks like I’m terrified of outsiders, but that’s not the case; I just choose not to associate with them.) I had been hoping that guests would decide to avoid sharing a potty room with a feline, even though I’m meticulous in my potty hygiene. (Okay, I’ll admit to getting a little aggressive and flailing around a bit of litter. Just a bit though.) But when everyone leaves and I feel confident that I’ll have privacy again, I enter the room and see the evidence: used paper towels in the wastebasket. Many people have used the room! The only good news? I didn’t see any of them. I was busy hiding…er, sheltering in place…in an upstairs bedroom.

Then, one day not too long ago, my mom called to me while holding my empty potty. “See, Penelope? Your litter box will now be here,” and she set it down next to the washing machine in a little alcove dedicated to laundry. She filled it with litter, relocated all the other equipment that goes with it, and said, “It’s ready now when you are.”

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My new (cramped) potty space

Am I ready to change the habits I refined in the last two years? Am I ready to do my business with the sloshing and spinning of the washer and bumping and thumping of the dryer as sound effects?

Do I have a choice? Sure, many of my fellow felines have been known to relieve themselves anywhere and everywhere, but that’s not me. Besides, I depend on the kindness of these two people who feed me, talk to me, give me belly rubs, and most important of all, scoop my poop.

She’s real…honest

As regular readers know, we have a cat. I assume you believe me that we have a cat, her name is Penelope, and she sometimes writes blog posts. (Okay, I understand if you don’t believe that she actually writes those posts, but you do believe that we have a cat…don’t you?)

Why am I asking this question? It seems that the people who have been to our home may be wondering if it’s all a ruse. They may be thinking that we place various cat toys and scatching posts strategically around the house, fill a plastic box with litter, and put out food and water bowls just to keep the ruse going.

Penelope (our real cat, honest) loves us but is terrified of everyone else. At the first ding of the front doorbell, she flies up the stairs and into the most remote snug space she can fit into. She stays in that spot, ignoring her need to use the litter box or her growling stomach, and doesn’t emerge until she’s absolutely certain that the last guest has departed.

If she happens to be on the first floor when somebody comes through the front door, she scurries up the stairs so fast, you’d think you just saw an animated grey streak.

Her current hiding place is a tiny space behind my husband’s Elfa rolling filing cart that’s tucked under his drawing table in his office. It’s impossible to find her there unless you’ve exhausted your search of all the logical and illogical places in the house. To be sure she’s there, you have to lie flat on the floor and look for a glimpse of fur between the legs of the table and wires of the cart.

Nobody can see me here, can they?

Nobody can see me here, can they?

Her most feared guests, I’m afraid, are my twin grandsons. They love cats and have one of their own, Nimbus. But Nimbus, besides being as big as a medium-sized dog, is the coolest, most easy-going cat I’ve ever met. He strolls around the house, rubbing against anyone who happens to be around. He’ll lick your hand and snuggle up against you, never uttering a sound.

The boys, no matter how many times I tell them that Penelope is frightened of strangers, will scour our home trying to find her. If they discover her hiding place, she’ll scurry out of it and look for another. Once, when they were younger, she was trapped under the loveseat in the living room, hissing at one of the boys as he laid on the floor trying to entice her out. That was the first and only hiss we witnessed. It meant she had reached the peak of her terror.

I think they've all gone now. I'm hungry.

I think they’ve all gone now. I’m hungry.

The twins, therefore, can attest to the fact that Penelope is real. But other guests still have their doubts. If you’re one of the doubters, I invite you to cat-sit for us. You may not see Penelope, but eventually you’ll notice that the once-full food bowl is empty and the once-pristine litter box has clumps that need to be scooped. What more proof do you need?

Lost but not found

This aging thing is becoming a matter of losing…permanently. No, I’m not talking about mishandled luggage or the missing half of my collection of single gloves. Nor am I referring to the loss of dear friends and family. This is a lighthearted list of what’s disappeared without a trace:

  • My lip line. Where is the border of my upper and lower lips? Even if I follow the advice of experts and line my lips with a pencil (thereby faking that youthful lip line), it just seems fuzzy. I fill in with a moisturizing lipstick and hope for the best.
  • My waistline. Well, it’s there somewhere…somewhere under that roll of fat that’s accumulated lately.
  • My eyebrows. I’m having to fill in with a brow product more and more. I remember when I used to have to tweeze often, even in between my brows.
  • My eyelashes. Thank goodness for an eyelash curler and mascara. And speaking of mascara…
  • My firm upper lids. Mascara gets smudged because there’s more flesh drooping and getting in the way while I’m applying it.
  • My balance. A few weeks ago, I stubbed my toe badly while rushing to the toilet. And speaking of the toilet…
  • My bladder capacity. I should probably buy stock in the company that makes Charmin. I go through a triple roll pretty quickly.
  • My words. What’s that thing that lets you drain spaghetti called?
  • My long-remembered stories. I can be in the middle of telling someone about a significant event in my past, and I’m suddenly not sure of the details–details I could remember and recite without hesitation for decades. Now they’re fuzzy, and I sometimes combine stories and get dates and eras wrong. (It gets embarrassing when I ask my husband, “Remember when we…?” and I quickly realize I’m thinking of the wrong husband. I’ve had two.)
  • The ability to remember to whom I’ve told what. I find myself asking, “Have I told you about…?” This happens the day after, or even the same day, I’ve told the news. (Maybe I just talk to too many people.)

I could go on, but I’d rather not mourn the loss of those things when I can be grateful for other losses triggered by aging, such as the requirement to serve on jury duty at any facility assigned, even if it’s the scary courtroom in a sketchy neighborhood where murder trials take place. Once you’re 70 and you’re summoned, you can choose another venue or say no thanks. I did that last year because I’d served five (or was it six) times over the years, and I’m done.  

Then there are the losses of caring (too much) about what other people think and a lot of anxiety of earlier years. Or you could call these maturity, not losses. However you want to characterize them, I’m grateful for the ability to experience all of them, thin lips and eyebrows included.

 

State of the cat address: Penelope in early 2016

Penelope_softedgesIt’s me again, Penelope. I haven’t posted anything for months because, well…everything was fine. Not much to complain about (although I whine and caterwaul anyway as a matter of principle).

But something strange has been going on since the beginning of the year. My mom is home every day. Don’t misunderstand. I like to have at least one of my folks home at all times, but I’d gotten used to her traipsing out of the house before 8 three days a week and not returning until nearly 5. It was predictable, every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. (It’s a common misconception that cats don’t know what day it is.)

I am now adapting to this new pattern, but I have one complaint (I know you’re not surprised). Now that she’s not leaving me during the week, I expect her undivided attention, all day…and part of the night. After all, she no longer has to get up early, so the least she can do is play a few more rounds of chase-the-mousie or pull-the-string with me. At 11:00 p.m. Or anytime.

Even worse? Now I sometimes have to entertain her! Since it’s winter, or so I gather as I see snow on the patio…you know I’m am indoor cat, right? What was I saying? Oh, winter. There are days when she stays home watching TV and playing Boggle until she’s bored, and I have to provide the amusement. I got tired of the Qtip game (that I invented, don’t forget), so I feel obligated to find new ways to keep her occupied. It’s exhausting.

Also, since my mom’s the one who scoops my poop (I just love that phrase!), I expect her to tend to my litter box just after I use it each time. She’s home, isn’t she?

I can’t get too comfortable with this new schedule though. Recently, I caught her filling next month’s calendar with lunch dates, appointments, and tasks that take her out of the house. One day, I observed her looking through a catalog of courses…which means even more non-Penelope activities.

I would have one of my hissy fits (her name for my wild running and bouncing off walls…no hissing involved), but I calm myself by remembering that I have two parents. And my dad gives the best belly rubs.

 

 

Internal donut wars

This morning, at 10:30 a.m.:

I’m sitting in the waiting room at Bredemann Toyota, where I’ll spend the next hour-and-a-half. My RAV4 is in for its 50,000-mile oil change, tire rotation, and all that other stuff ($$).

It’s a comfortable room, with a TV currently showing The View, a machine that lets you choose from a variety of coffees, and…this is key…a tempting tray of donuts. In the past 7 years I’ve been bringing the RAV4 here for service, I’ve avoided even glancing at that tray to keep my sweet tooth from itching. But today, as I walked into the room, scanning it for a good spot to settle in, I saw it. And right smack in the middle of the tray was my favorite, a cake donut with chocolate frosting. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to resist it.

But I sat down and began writing this post to keep my mind focused on something (anything) else. Just before starting this sentence, another customer got up and walked over to the tray. After a few seconds of contemplation, he chose one and took it back to his seat. It was my chocolate-covered donut! Now I’m wondering: Is there another one on the tray? And…and most important…should I be happy or unhappy if the answer is yes?

A little applicable background: I’m now in that iffy zone of Weight Watcher’s Life Timer status that can be dangerous. After losing weight on the plan and keeping it off for more than a year, I’ve started to gain again. My pants still fit, but they’re snug. Those are the roomier ones. As women everywhere know, our clothing sizes are not consistent. So you can buy a size 10 of different brands, or even the same brand, and the fit will vary from not being able to pull them up past your hips to an easy zip, button, snap, with an inch or two to spare.

I’m trying to nip the gain of a few pounds (okay, five) in the bud. See? Now I’ve managed to distract myself for over a paragraph and haven’t given the donut tray a thought.

But suddenly, that’s all I’m thinking about.

The last time I was here (5,000 miles ago), I weakened in the second hour and walked up to the tray. By that time, it was empty. I figured it was meant to be. Maybe today I can hold out long enough to have the same outcome.

I’m tired of writing now, and I’m going to read a book about wrting by Elizabeth Berg.

Follow up: I read and read…and read. Then I put the book down, stood up, walked over to the donut tray, and took one of the other chocolate-c0vered cake donuts. It was delicious.

 

 

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